Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:22 AM CDT
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:16 AM CDT
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Roger is thinking: … so that means it was… let’s see … February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means … lemme check the odometer … whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: he’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90 day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a darn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…
“Roger”, Elaine says aloud.
“What?”, says Roger, startled.
“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” says Roger. “I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
“There’s no horse?” says Roger.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.
“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It’s just that … It’s that I … I need some time”, Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
“Yes,” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
“Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Roger.
“That way about time,” says Elaine.
“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
“Thank you, Roger”, she says.
“Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, you’ve known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?”
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:14 AM CDT
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:12 AM CDT
According to the Guinness Book of Records, the narrowest street in the world is located in Reutlingen, Germany. In reality, it’s just a passageway, an exit from a rear courtyard. In the eighteenth century, this district was completely destroyed in a huge fire. To ensure that, in future, fires couldn’t spread so easily from house to house, a narrow space was left between them. Measuring just 31cm in width, it quickly went into the record books as the narrowest street in the world, even though it isn’t much of a street.
Previously, this record was held by the Parliament Street of Exeter, England, which in my opinion fitted better to the definition of a “street”. This 50m long street which links the High Street to Waterbeer Lane and dates back to the 14th century is approximately 1.2m (45 inches) at its widest and less than 0.64m (25 inches) at its narrowest. Formerly it was called the Small Lane before being renamed in 1832.
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:10 AM CDT
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:08 AM CDT
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:06 AM CDT
One of our favorite tennis stars, Anna Kournikova is featured on Maxim recently. Kournikova was recognized as one of People’s 50 Most Beautiful People in 1998, 2000, 2002, and 2003 and was voted “hottest female athlete” and “hottest couple” (with Iglesias) on ESPN.com. Most outstandingly, she was number #1 in FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women in the World in U.S. and UK editions in 2002. Hilariously, ESPN gave her the 18th title of “25 Biggest Sports Flops of the Past 25 Years” due to the over-hyped career of Anna. To add to that insult, Kournikova was also ranked #1 in the ESPN Classic series “Who’s number 1?” when the series featured sport’s most overrated athletes. Bet you didn’t know that!
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:04 AM CDT
Posted: 20 Aug 2008 07:02 AM CDT
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says: ” Licence and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says: “What for?”
Glasgow cop says: “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
London Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”
Glasgow cop says: “The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Glasgow cop says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,
“Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
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